A group of Ukrainian astronomers recently published a research paper titled, “Unidentified area phenomena I. Observations of events.” They claimed to have spotted numerous UFOs (unidentified flying objects) from observation stations in the capital city of Kyiv and the village of Vinarivka.
“We see them everywhere,” the authors write. “Flights of single, group and squadrons of the ships were detected, moving at speeds from 3 to 15 degrees per second.”
Just a week or so later, on the planet of Serena, many galaxies away, the Minister of Intergalactic Affairs and other leaders gathered in the main chamber of the House of Serenity to hear a report from Ruba Pontuba, a heroic space traveller who had just returned from her third mission to Earth.
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Minister: “Welcome back, most respected Ruba.”
Ruba: “Thank you, most honourable minister. I am thrilled to be back. I can’t tell you how much I missed being among civilised
creatures.”
Minister: “Is that so? It was my hope that humans would be quite civilised by now. When you were there last, they were just entering the new millennium.”
Ruba (laughs uncontrollably for five minutes): “New millennium! Ha ha ha! Humans are no more civilised in this new millennium than they were in the old millennium. They still kill each other in great numbers, then refer to lions and tigers as ‘wild animals.’”
Minister: “You mean they haven’t made any progress as a species?”
Ruba: “They’ve made a little progress in science and technology, mostly in using primitive phones that need to be recharged often. They’re also learning to swipe right.”
Minister: “They have a school for thieves?”
Ruba: “No, it’s a way that humans hook up with each other. They look at photos of other people and decide whether to mate with them.”
Minister: “Sounds very primitive. Have they made any progress in peace and love?”
Ruba: “None whatsoever. During my time on Earth, I witnessed hundreds of conflicts, such as Israelis versus Palestinians, Russians versus Ukrainians, Will Smith versus Chris Rock.”
Minister: “But don’t humans want peace?”
Ruba: “Yes, most humans do want peace. They want it so much, they’re willing to fight wars to achieve it.”
Minister: “What about love? Don’t humans love each other?”
Ruba: “Not as much as they love money. Most humans have one main goal in life: to get rich.”
Minister: “But aren’t they like us? Don’t they want to share their fortune with the less fortunate?”
Ruba: “Well, I heard of one human who won the lottery and said, ‘The first thing I’m going to do is sponsor some children in Uganda.’ But it turns out that those were HIS children. He was behind on his child support. Most humans, when they get rich, buy themselves a big house, a fancy car and new teeth. Some get new spouses, too.”
Minister: “So what happens to the poor?”
Ruba: “Many of them struggle to survive. In some countries, they don’t have enough food to eat.”
Minister: “You mean there’s a shortage of food on Earth?”
Ruba: “No, there’s no shortage of food. There’s just a shortage of generosity. Some humans have so much food, they don’t know where to put it. They end up storing it on their hips, thighs and tummies. When I visited New York City, I saw people taking part in an eating contest. They were stuffing hotdogs down their throats, trying to win a contest.”
Minister: “A food-eating contest? That sounds disgusting.”
Ruba: “Yes, but other humans were clapping and cheering. This was a form of entertainment for them.”
Minister: “So humans are killing each other and not sharing their food and wealth. Are they at least trying to save their planet from climate change?”
Ruba: “Yes, some of them are. But others don’t believe in climate change. Just like they don’t believe there’s life on other planets.”
Minister: “Ha ha ha! It’s so easy to look down
