Melvin Durai
These are tough economic times in many parts of the world. If you’re like me, you’re saving money any way you can. I’ve cancelled my cable, invested in a good pair of binoculars and started watching my neighbour’s TV. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
In this harsh economic climate, it’s important to have a job, any job. But finding a job isn’t easy, especially since so many companies have lost money during the pandemic. Competition for jobs is so intense that World Chess Champion Magnus Carlsen has been flooded with applications, all because someone wrote that he has “good openings.”
With all the competition, it’s vital for job seekers to give themselves an edge. That’s why I’ve decided to offer a few tips to help people stand out from the crowd. Some of these tips may seem obvious, but trust me, they’re often
overlooked.
Tip #1: Learn to speak the native language. If you’re in Canada, don’t speak Kannada. Learn to speak Canadian. It’s almost like English, but with a few variations, such as the addition of “eh” at the end of every sentence. If you’re in Odisha, learn to speak Odia. If you’re in Punjab, learn to speak Punjabi. And if you’re in Bangalore, learn to speak Bengali.
Tip #2: Go easy on the body art. This advice is especially pertinent in western countries. Two or three tattoos are OK, but when your entire body is green, the only job you’re likely to get is on a farm, especially if the farmer needs another scarecrow.
Tip #3: Put your best foot forward at the job interview. This can be hard, especially if your feet look the same. Your friends can probably help you figure out which foot is better, but if you’re still unsure, consult a podiatrist.
Tip #4: Dress for success. Too many people, unfortunately, dress for failure. Don’t expect Barclays Bank to hire you if you’re wearing a T-shirt that says “Go bonkers!” The least you can do is change the second ‘o’ to an ‘a.’
Tip #5: Groom yourself well. If you’re a man, it’s probably a good idea to trim your nails, mustache and any unruly locks of nose hair. If you’re a woman, resist the temptation to dye your hair orange—unless you’re applying for a job as a traffic cone.
Tip #6: Try to smell good. The most important thing you can do to smell good is take a bath, even if you’ve already taken one this year. You can practice water conservation after the interview. A little perfume or cologne would also help, but don’t empty the bottle, unless you want to spend your day reviving the interviewer.
Tip #7: Do some research. Employers are impressed when you know something about them. You might want to find out, for example, what they do. Don’t ask the manager of Cracker Barrel how heavy the barrels are. And don’t ask the recruiter at Samsung what exactly it was that Sam sung.
Tip #8: Don’t do drugs. Most employers test for drugs and if you fail the test, you won’t get a second chance, unless you’re in the National Football League. If you like to get high several times a week, apply for a job as a flight attendant. It’s safer and it won’t deplete your
bank account.
Tip #9: Be on time. If you arrive ten minutes early for the job interview, you will be relaxed. If you arrive ten minutes late, you will be axed. Remember: first impressions are important.
Tip #10: Don’t tell lies. This applies to your résumé as well as your interview. If you don’t know how to use a chainsaw, don’t claim that you do. Otherwise, you might soon be out of a job, as well as an arm.