Melvin Durai
Two middle-aged American men, Steve and Ralph, were discussing the Russian invasion of Ukraine and all the sanctions that had been imposed on Russia. The United States and its allies, for example, had frozen the bank accounts of many wealthy Russians. The European Union had blocked Russian planes from entering its airspace. And most painfully, the European Broadcasting Union had forbidden Russia from participating in the 2022 Eurovision Song Contest.
“Do you think the sanctions will work?” Steve asked.
“No, of course not,” Ralph replied. “That’s why I’m imposing sanctions of my own.”
“Your own sanctions? Tell me more.”
“Well, you know Lyudmila, the Russian woman I was planning to marry? It’s over between us!”
“You’re dumping her?”
“Not just her, but all mail-order brides from Russia! From now on, I’m going to focus on FIT women.”
“Lyudmila is out of shape?”
“No, Lyudmila is in great shape. But I’m going to focus on FIT women. Filipino, Indian and Thai. I sent a press release to CNN and other media outlets, but so far, no reporters have called. They’re too busy reporting on all the government sanctions that they’ve forgotten what a difference individuals can make.”
“I can’t believe you’re dumping Lyudmila over Ukraine. She’s so young and beautiful. Show me her pic again.”
Ralph took out his phone, handed it to Steve and said, “Just keep scrolling. I’ve got two dozen pics of her in different outfits and different hair colour.”
Steve spent a minute scrolling through the photos. “You sure Ukraine is worth it, Ralph?”
“Yes, I’m sure. It’s not just Ukraine—I mean, that’s a big part of it, but we’ve also got a few differences. For example, she wants to have children, but I already have five with my first wife, Ekaterina. And then there’s the tattoo.”
“The tattoo?”
“Yes, just look at the swimsuit pic. If you zoom in, you’ll see a tattoo of some Russian words under her navel. A friend translated it for me, and it says, ‘Vladimir Forever.’”
“Did you ask her about it?”
“Yes, she said it has nothing to do with Putin. She is a fan of the late Russian scientist Vladimir Vernadsky. But I don’t believe her.”
“So it’s over between you and Lyudmila?”
“Yes, it’s over.”
“Well, do you think you could give her my email address?”
“You’re interested in her?”
“No, of course not. I just want to see if she can give me a first-hand account of what’s happening in Russia and how the sanctions are affecting them. Just tell her that you have a friend named Steve who is very interested in Russian affairs.”
“You don’t have to ask Lyudmila about the sanctions. I can tell you all about them. The sanctions are just not strong enough. It’s true that some of them will make it harder for Russians to heat their homes and move their money around. But Russians are used to freezing, whether it’s their faces getting frozen or their bank accounts.”
“That’s why you’re imposing individual sanctions?”
“Yeah, but that’s not all I’m doing. I’m also providing sanction consultations. I’ll help any organisation or country come up with a good sanction. In fact, I just wrote an email to FIFA, the governing body of football. As part of its sanction, FIFA has ordered that Russia’s World Cup playoff against Poland be played at a neutral venue with no spectators, flags or national anthem. The players from Russia will not be able to compete as ‘Russia,’ but as ‘Football Union of Russia (RFU).’ That’s not good enough for me. They should be forced to compete as ‘Football Union of Country That Invaded Ukraine (FUCTIU).’ Their hands should be tied behind their backs, and all their goals should count as only half a goal.”
“Isn’t that a little too much, Ralph?”
“No, Steve, dropping bombs on Ukraine was a little too much.”