Melvin Durai
Considering how modest and humble I am, you may be surprised to learn that I enjoy winning awards. I’d be thrilled to receive almost any kind of award. I’d even accept an award from the National Association of Lazy Husbands. Yes, even an award called “Outstanding Achievement by a Husband in Napping on the Couch.”
At the awards ceremony, I’d smile and say, “I’d like to thank my wife for encouraging me and not waking me up unnecessarily. I couldn’t have done it without you, sweetheart. I’d also like to thank my mother for believing in me and teaching me important values, including the value of sleep. This one’s for you, Mom. And to all those people who thought I’d never amount to anything, all I can say is: Look at me now. I haven’t yet won the Nobel Prize, but it’s only a matter of time!”
Almost any award would thrill me, but definitely not the one that’s named after the father of evolution. It’s called a Darwin Award and some people are literally dying to win it.
The Darwin Awards were created to “commemorate those who improve our gene pool by removing themselves from it.” In other words, the awards — which have spawned a best-selling book and other products — recognise people who kill themselves in stupid ways. Among last year’s winners was a poacher who entered a national park in South Africa intending to kill a rhino and steal its valuable horn, but found himself trampled by an elephant and eaten by lions.
Though I denounce poaching of any sort — I don’t even like poached eggs — I find these awards unsettling. Not only do they seem insensitive, they assume that the rest of us are geniuses. Truth is, many of us are just as stupid. Look around you and you’ll see enough stupidity to keep all the hospital emergency rooms busy. Instead of common sense, many of us exhibit common stupidity. We’re just lucky it hasn’t yet killed us. Obituary pages are full of people like these:
- Harish Helmetless. Always in a hurry, he loved to ride his motorcycle fast, sometimes at twice the speed limit. But he didn’t like to wear his helmet because it was too uncomfortable. He preferred to feel the breeze in his hair. Unfortunately, he lost control of his motorcycle one day and struck a tree, learning the true meaning of ‘uncomfortable.’ His obituary reads: “Only 24 years old, he left a big mark on the world, a mark that future generations can find on a tree.”
- Connie Morepuffs. A longtime smoker, she died of lung cancer at the ripe old age of 36. She learned to read when she was just 4, but somehow had trouble reading the warnings on cigarette packs. She smoked five packs a day, but couldn’t afford to buy health insurance. Her obituary reads: “Many of her friends urged her to stop smoking and she has finally listened.”
- Johnny Beltnot. His wife asked him to wear his seat belt, but he said, “I hate wearing belts. They’re such a pain. Almost as bad as your nagging. Besides, I’m a safe driver — the safest driver I know! Nothing’s going to happen to me. Nothing!” Something did happen to the 44-year-old man when a truck hit his car. Johnny Beltnot turned into Johnny Pilot. Yes, he flew right out of his window. He travelled more than 20 yards, setting a world record for unaided flight by a human. Unfortunately, he messed up the landing. He landed right on his head. It was such a pain. His obituary reads: “Though his flight was unintentional, the Wright Brothers would have been so proud. He is survived by a distraught wife, three young children and an unused seat belt.”